A little rant. I don't want to get to old.

I want to live long enough, to be able to enjoy life. My great grandma or great great grandma is 95 years old, and is as healthy as me, we call her Auntie Jean. Auntie Jean, she is so fragile to touch, but as she would stat " I like to party ". Poor Auntie Jean is in a home, and her memory is fading away like her strength in walking without her cane, her heart is strong and she says " I'm afraid, I'm afraid that I will lose myself before I die, I want to die before I cant walk, or before everyone becomes strangers. I know I am loved, I don't want to die being afraid "

I'm a mom, I dont need to party every night.

When I became a mom,the moment I knew I was pregnant. I kissed good bye to the life I've ever known and took a leap of faith, blindfolded into the unknown.

    Having James, awakened my soul into who I needed to become. I firmly believe that, its my responsibility to be at home, taking care of my family doing the motherly duties.. Not out getting shitfaced  and living like the " normal " 18 year old carefree life ( even if its every weekend ). Just because i'm 18 doesn't excuse my responsibilities for my wishes of freedom. Don't get me wrong, every parent needs a break once in awhile, but is being a mom so hard that people need to leave their child while they live their life ? Being a mom is not a job, but it is alot of work. You are a mother 24/7 not,5 days a week and get weekends off

Tonight especially, James is waking up every hour and needing me to go lay down with him, its becoming frustrating, but i guess this situation is my fault. I did not crib train or anything. My son does not self soothe, he relies on me for that. Having him disrupt me from my homework during my " me " time, while he should be sound asleep. I love him to bitz, more then anyone could imagine.
I still breastfeed, which needs to end. I just don't no how or where to start. So much things in my life I want to change, but feel either powerless, out of control or I simply don't no where to start.

Well. I got a Christmas tree :)

Yeap. You read correct. I got a christmas tree, thanks to Billybear. He came home two nights ago from work, and there my beautiful tree was.
Previously I asked for a 6ft and up tree, but ended up with a 7.5 ft tree... Bigger the better right ?

Merry Christmas everyone.

Never A Doubt

Christmas time, " A time of cheer ".. HA. yah right. How about most stressful time of year. This will be my third Christmas with Billy ( James Dad ) and this year I went out all out for him, and already bought his birthday present... Most of my Christmas shopping is done, but the problem is, I never feel done done for those I love.

Have buying presents for each other become to mainstream ? Have we lost the togetherness of being together, during the holidays ? I think so, how could I not, I'm sitting here writing to the world debating on that 1 AM Walmart run ...  My house is not decorated, I dont have a tree and there is no snow in sight. Christmas excitement has left my life. Why ? Well, I'm not a kid I guess. I remember every Christmas morning waking up and going to my grandmas and having a massive family breakfast, but things dont always stay the same. Things progress, things change. Sometimes change is for the better. But sometimes, while looking back too see how far you've come you realize how much you miss the good ol days.
Next year when James is 2, will be the time to decorate and give him that feeling my mom use to give to me. My last relaxing Christmas, before the fun really starts with being a mom.

A new day :)

Well, today is a new day. Feeling a lot better then yesterday, I'm so thankful for my life and everyone in it.

Gloomy.

Emotions never stop. People i've once called my best friends i hardly speak to them, just strangers with memories. I think I like who I'm becoming, who ever that is.
I'm just down, I don't know why, or how to get out of it. Through out the day, I'll have sprints of joy but, it doesn't last long, eventually, my joyful sprint gets tired and a gloomy cloud takes over.
Today, the Connecticut shooting has really taken over my mood. Those 20 children have been robbed of a future. I can't imagine going through that, the idea of losing my James, brings tears to my eyes.
What brings someone to do such awful things ?


On a lighter note... I finished Christmas shopping today.

Night one of James in the crib.

Oh boy. This has been, a long couple of days.
I'm a proud co sleeper and proud to breast feed. I firmly think " breast is best "
But now, James is 15 months, and breast feeding is starting to hurt me, plus hes constantly on me, when he should be eating regular people food. lets just say  my queen size bed, is just to small.
He's crying right now, and normally I'd go get him, but tonight is a new night. Change is needed.
He is getting older and this mama needs a break.
Bedtime use to be at 8 or 9, lately it's been past 11 45..... That just doesn't work for someone who has to unwind, do school work and be up early the next day.

So this is night one, so far he is sleeping. Mind you, he is past out sitting up... And I don't no if I should fix him with the risk of him waking up.... Or just leave him and have him sore tomorrow. I think for night one, I'll just leave him.


I found this article, that really motivated me. Enjoy.
http://bigpreg.wordpress.com/2010/05/12/how-i-night-weaned-and-sleep-trained-my-breast-fed-14-month-old/